My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
