Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
