I am puke
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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