You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
And then he peed in my hair
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