So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
