God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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