You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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