just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
