dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
