i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
