i permit you to call me
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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