Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
