You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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