I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
