none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Randomize
