I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
he shaved USA in his pubs
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
