You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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