I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
