from now on my penis is your penis
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
how does that bad decision feel?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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