Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Randomize
