I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
