Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
