Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
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