I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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