she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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