five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Randomize
