Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
