i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
