This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
