i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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