She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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