yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Ambien. No doubt about it.
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
