ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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