New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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