If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Randomize
