Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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