I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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