So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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