Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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