This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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