I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
