Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My balls are so social today.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
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