i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
