well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
