I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
