You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
