Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
That's when you crack a 10am beer
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Randomize
