apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
