I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Send help, water and tortillas.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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