wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
