I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
