I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
