The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
