DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
