Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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