Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
