No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
