if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
