you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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