Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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