I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize