Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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