There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Randomize
