you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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