Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
